РИНАТ ШМИДТ

This is what Europeans think America is like. I wake up at 6 a.m. ready to do some deporting. After that, I join the army to help fight Greenland. Maybe you haven't heard, but America is 2-0 in world wars. At 10 a.m., I brush up on my American geography. At 11 a.m., I head over to Mount Rushmore. Wow, what a beautiful monument. After that, I turn on the news to relax. Breaking news, X now $30. Inflation in, plane crashes 100%. Inflation up 15%. At 12 p.m., I pledge my allegiance to the President of the United States. At 3 p.m., I cancel my family's doctor's appointment. Vaccines are for weak people. At 3-0-1, my son gets smallpox. And at 3-0-2, we hold a memorial for little Timmy. If only there was some way this could have all been avoided. After that, I celebrate America being the best country on Earth. We may be 46th in life expectancy, 14th in education, 35th in income equality, and 23rd in happiness. But we're number one in freedom. Oh, we're actually ranked 26th. At 9 p.m., I put on my night vision goggles and get ready to invade Canada. And that's my day.